the tragic lives (& deaths) of Leonardo DiCaprio

beaten with a mustard jar by his step-father, finds his mother dead, brother burns their house to the ground, best friend dies, gets addicted to heroin, becomes a male prostitute, drinks a lot of absinthe, gets shot by his married male lover, best friend is murdered, murders his cousin-in-law, fakes his death, wife commits suicide, he commits suicide, committed to a mental institution, aunt gets cancer, an entire boatload of people die, freezes to death, goes to prison without committing a crime, tries to kill his evil twin, father dies, kills a shark, shark kills two of his friends & he kills the third, father dies, best friend dies, father’s best friend dies, most of New York dies, kills nemesis, evades the law for 6 years, mother leaves, father dies, goes to jail, nearly dies in a fiery plane crash, loses his mind, dead uncle, dead father, dead mother, goes to jail, breaks hand, re-breaks hand, good guys die, bad guys die, everybody dies, gets killed, goes to jail, shoots his friends, dies, almost dies, attacked by dogs, girlfriend gets kidnapped, tortured, broken hand (again), nearly decapitated, wife dies, mental institution, wife dies, children die, wife dies again, wife kills herself.

spoiler alert: he dies in the next movie too.